everything that kills me makes me feel alive…?

it's ironic how much misery i've endured because of pain, yet without it, i feel empty and unable to function. you know how it feels when you can't remember the plot of a book but remember the feeling? that's how i feel. every time i take a step ahead, everything in my past appears to blur. it felt as though the bitterness was attempting to hold me back. and it was a disaster, but contrary to what i believe was its intention, it gives me the motivation to get up every day. perhaps it has become a part of me. that while suffering is the majority of what it provides, and destruction is the only thing it can catalyze, i know i can't live without it. because like a seed, it had already sprouted in me. “a lovely flower only with thorns.”