self-reproach

it's hardly fair, especially since i feel horrible for thinking that way. i understand there is a reason, a source, or perhaps a reassuring statement to alleviate and excuse my emotions, but why does it always come down to me? i blame myself for the things i'm not certain i execute, believing that if i hadn't provoked people in the first place, they wouldn't do anything. a part of me believes that it is their influence on me that causes this, that i am who i am as a result of their actions. but my mind kept insisting that i let them onto my flesh and so caused all of this harm to myself. it indeed sucks to be held responsible for what they've done to you, and cruel since you can't do anything about it.